The Healing Within
When I was a child I was molested by my grandfather.That one line has become so commonplace in todays world that rarely do we even flinch anymore when we here it. But the effect it has on the human psyche is still the same as it has been for hundreds of years, And if one is given to be a Highly Sensetive person to start with then the detrimenal effects are elevated and the lasting effects on the human mind are heightened. No sob story am I going to portray but as any child does you rarely ever tell anyone what has happened. You know something isn't quite right about it but you are to young to know what. Then as you get a little older you then begin to understand and see what is and was wrong with this behavior. You realize no it is not normal in every family,just the unlucky ones. So your young mind finds a way to make it your fault and turns it into shame.
Still not understanding it all or if you actually have done something to cause this atrocity you continue on with your life. As time continues on and you get even older you realize even though you had done nothing that caused this to happen it is too late. Your mind has turned it into shame . So you then bury it deep and pretend it did not happen. You never tell anyone. But each male that is older you look for ulterior motives to their behavior.
As you then go through time you develop other relationships. In my case I married a man I grew up with. One that showed me attention but was more like my friend. I realize now that it was probably a protective mechanism from deep within that I chose to marry a friend. Yet we married and had two children and with those pregnancies I gained a lot of weight. A marriage where he in his manly mind constantly told me he did not want to be seen with me because I had gotten fat.I was an embarrasment to him. So we can now add the self esteem issues to the buried shame.
I lost all the weight but by then it was too late. In his manly mind I was the fat women still, even though I was back to the original weight. Old habits are jsut so hard to break. So this turn of events fueled my buried shame and self esteem to a all time new level. Thing was I am really strong so I managed to bury it really deep or so I thought. when in all actuality it was always right there just under the skin, waiting to surface and bleed through the skin. I just thought I had buried it really deep. So I put on a beautiful smile and proceded with life.
Of course the marriage ended so years later I stupidly married again. This one would get drunk and tell me I was old and wrinkly etc. I was 30 years old and actually looked good and had no wrinkles lol But I let another person once again sabatoge my inner being. I was never comfortable in my own skin, rarely dated as my self esteem was so low all I could think was why would anyone want to date me, It was jsut simpler to work and raise my kids.
My house was meticulous, the yard manicured, and supper was on table every night. I made Martha Stewert look like an amateur but still I had no self esteem. I even developed a fabulous sense of humour as a the perfect coverup. People would always say why dont you date or you are so pretty or you are beautiful but this was not what I saw. I saw ugliness, worthlessness and shame. Needless to say that relationship ended. But not before a lifetime of self analytical self sabotage.
So I have spent the last 6 years totally alone and almost isolated. I gained 40 pounds because for once in my life no one could say anything ugly to me. I now look at it and realized I built a suit of armour. For protection. In my subconscious mind I probably said some thing dumb like men dont like fat women so pack on the pounds and it will keeep them away from you. Now i can look at it and howl laughing as I spent probably ten years between relationships and didnt date. I think I could have made more sense out of my behavior if I had dated a lot.
But this time gave me time to search within. And six years ago I had a spontaneous kundalaini erupt. In the throws of this energy eruption I met God, and Jesus and my higher self. My higher self introduced herself to me in a way I will never forget. She took over my body and controlled it's every move. She would turn me into a statue when she wished to make a point or would take control of my arm when she wish to do a autowrite. She then would tell me that she turned me into a statue to show me how hard and stubborn I had been . How hard it had been to awaken my Goddess within. But she made sure I knew she was in charge. If a doctor could have been near by I am sure they would have locked me up for ever and a day.
I saw things before my eyes that I still see today like orbs and shadows and sparkling lights.And occasionally a ghost. But most of it was behind my eyes. Of heaven and realms and dimensions high in the sky. I met the masters and was shown the truth of some things. I was shown there is more to heaven and hell then we possibly will ever know. In thsi time I found that the true hell had resided deep within me. As I released and purged the dark energy within me and let it flow out I got stronger and healthier and realized I was truly a beautiful soul. It was as if with each thing that I released it cleansed some hole in my soul.It was like I was puking up demons from within. I spiritually awoke and stepped up on the path of learning and self healing. I am still to this day and I don't beleive it ever ends self healing.I am Almost 58 years old now so I can't change a lifetime of self sabatoge overnight. Or can I??????
I have looked within and found a beautiful human being, full of compassion and kindness. Of course age is catching up and I do need to loose weight but for me no one else. I now try to meditate or at least find quiet just me time every day. I have learned how important to the soul this truly is. I actaully like who I have become. So in retrospect did I isolate out of shame or low self esteem or did my subconscious or higher self lead me to isolation to find ME the true me and to mentally . emotionally, an physically heal, to find my Goddess within and the truth of it all.
okay enough of soul purging for a bit lol
nothing like throwing all your crap out for the world to see.....Ahhhhhh but is that self healing in it's self